The Space Time Adventures of Zap Warner in Space

Part One: The Back Story

The year is 2010, the date is July 18th, the location is Fear and Loathing, Nevada, and the person is Leslie LeFours Warner. Leslie was named during a drunken birth in Tijuana, Mexico which ended with a conversation on the career of Leslie Nealson. Today he is standing at about six foot four, three hundred pounds of combination muscle, fat, and facial hair. A normal man, American man, brown haired and blue eyed and full of unbridled apathy for life and his occupation in general, which is that of a privatized security guard, better known as a 'Rent-A-Cop.' Mr Warner's job is to make sure that the ghost town of Fear and Loathing remains unoccupied, at least on Mondays and Thursdays from twelve to two. July 18th, 2010 at 1:34, the one man in Fear and Loathing, Nevada is choking his chicken; after all, it does get lonely in a ghost town. He was so enraptured with whacking a weasel to his 'Hooters and Pooters' magazine and bad pirating of the 'Fat of the Land' CD that he never noticed the loud humming overtaking his deep, heavy breathing and the pounding beats of 'Serial Thrilla.' A good three minutes of spanking his monkey and mouthing along the fast, repetitive lyrics and he didn't even open his eyes to the strange lights. When the door of the old saloon swung open, he couldn't hear it, more because he was shaking hands with the president because at just that time he was switching tracks to 'Mindfields.' He was almost done with the party in his pants when he finally noticed what was amiss in the room; namely, the two dark green skinned gentlemen staring at him, holding back fits of laughter while they spoke gibberish to one another. Hard on in one hand, girlie mag in the other, headphones in his ears now pumping 'Firestarter' through his eardrums, all he could do was sit and stare at the two men, which at this juncture looked more like creatures. One held a metal and glass crescent to its throat until it glowed a dark blue and opened its mouth to speak, its words no longer absolutely jumbled, but still coming out in a strange accent, presumably southern "Purrson uv 'Urth, wae caum en paece fruum thu plahnit uv Abalama." Leslie Warner just sat there, staring in disbelief. The creature continued. "Wae hiv travl'd faaw, acraws galaxiez tew fahnd ah spessimin ahv suuch calliber." Leslie Warner took the headphones out and finally, limp dick still in hand, spoke. "Um... You have the right to remain... Silent?" They muttered to each other for a few minutes and one advanced on him, sticking a metal rod against his neck. There was a flash, a prick of a needle, and he was out cold, quite literally too. The metal rod released a cloud of nanobots, freezing his body on the outside with small bursts of liquid nitrogen. The injection was another stream of tiny robots inside his body, which managed the crystallization of his cells water to serve minimal damage. He would remain frozen in this way for quite some time in the private residence of the two brothers, Geda'Diah and Zeek from the planet Abalama, mounted on the wall of their family home for 15 generations, one thousand and five hundred earth years...

The year is 784,363, the fifty third day in the time of Duderonimus, the location is Broham, a moon of Abalama, and the person is Zap Warner, previously Leslie LeFours Warner, he is the only living human being in this particular solar system of the Milky Way Galaxy. His new occupation is a detective in employ of the Brohamian Overseers Of Broham, or B.O.O.B. for short. We join our hero for the first time, off duty in his home in the B.O.O.B. Headquarters, specifically in the bathroom. In one hand is his John Thompson, in his other is a hologram movie of 'Zimbix Bimbeauz 7, ' and playing through his stereo system is a pirate radio broadcast direct from the Helios System, a station that plays all Prodigy, all the time.