Corporal chimes in.

Well, you see, today it was going to be a song about my ever growing political nihilism, but as I was waiting for my rightful time on the computer, I witnessed something. Something horrible. My little sister, whom I already hate for reasons numbering in the hundreds now, was sitting here, playing Insane Clown Posse. You see, these people are on my list. This list is of people I would assault without any provocation whatsoever should I see them within my general area. Now, you see, these KISS meets Limp Bizkit wannabe's and their pseudo-KISS Army followers, may just about be the dumbest group of individuals I have ever encountered. Seriously, would you ever take anyone who looked like this seriously? 

Shield your eyes. 


Now, there are people who should not reproduce, and then their are people who should die. These are the latter.

New Poem: What

Why who when where
Question Question dare compare
Why are we here, who are we
When are we alive, where are my keys
None of these questions make us more aware
Until we know what we are

Mike's Moldy Crevices

This morning, by which I mean several minutes ago, my roommate went out with his friend Amelia to participate in some public acts that are, shall we say, two player and less than legal in New Hampshire, let alone in public. Before he left, he reached into one of his drawers and pulled out a small, already nibbled upon block of cheese and proceeded to take sizable bites out of it. Amelia looked at him, then said "Is that cheese that you pulled out of a random crevice?" In reply, mike simply nodded and continued eating, much to her disgust. She went on about how gross it was to eat crevice cheese and how it could have gotten any number of germs in that random crevice. It was at this time that I woke up, looked down at the scene, assessed the situation, and replied to her rant "Its not just random cheese from a random crevice, its from Mike's crevice. Everyone knows that cheese is a mold anyways, so aging and bacteria won't do anything to it." Amelia turned to me and replied "I don't care, mold from anyone's crevice would be disgusting." Normally, a statement like that would be the absolute funniest statement one you could derive from the situation, but would I let it be? No! I replied to her reply of my reply with the following reply; "You should know by now that everything from Mike's moldy crevice is delicious and worth putting in your mouth." The room burst out laughing, mike broke me off a piece of cheese, I ate it, and the two ventured of on their merry way to do whatever deeds they sought to do.


The End

New Song: Jump the Shark

In the beginning it was hugs and kisses
I would throw around money to fulfill your wishes
Times have changed and I'm more of a slob
I'm barely holding down my damn job
I got bills to pay, and things to say
You had to know it wouldn't always be that way
You say the magic's gone, you might be moving on
All because I didn't mow my name into your lawn

*refrain*
I'm giving up, I'm totally through
I'm sick of failing to please you
But I'll give it one last shot,
Yeah I'll give it all that I got
Its the most I can do

I shoulda never done so much so soon
You girls always expect more and more
I treated you like a princess and a queen
You used me up like a corner walking whore
I was your purse, your blank check
I threw money at you like the national debit
I didn't mind, some of the time
but now I can't afford to work so hard

*refrain*

Corporal's Creed.

I am a man of my word.

My word is my creed.

The creed is my honor.

From honor I am bound.

We are bound to the Truth.

The Truth is the end.

I am The End.

And now, Boing Chop http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=IYvabCA1Vq4&feature=related

Yeah.

Fuck Poketronic.

New Song: The Gutterbitch

She's the kinda girl that you take home to mom
If you don't wanna take your mom to the prom
And she's the girl that you met at school
When you woke her up out of a puddle of drool
She's the pretty girl with the lazy eye
And the smile that makes little babies cry
She's got a great rack that she likes to show
But when the bra comes off you wonder where the shape goes

She's a last resort
An insults retort
She'd never be allowed in a 5 star resort
She's the Hambeast queen
And that sounds mean
But damn, you haven't seen this girl
We call her Gutterbitch

Well she got kicked out of the movie theater
For trying to play a game called 'Popcorn Diver'
She plays golf, and that would be alright
But when she gets mad, she twists a knot in the driver
She's not crazy, she's just stressed out
But she says she sees things when the sun comes out
Like a leprechaun doing it wild with a trout
Get this girl a strait jacket and meds in her mouth!!

She's a hurricane
A whirlwind of pain
She's made of drama, been through trauma circling the drain
She should wear a mask
But we're too polite to ask
Damn, pray you never see this girl
The Gutterbitch

She's a harpie with sharp claws
She's a cougar with wrinkly old paws
She's the queen of the whales at sea
And she's coming after me
She's a demon breathing fire
She's no lady, she's a Sire
She's the bi-polar opposite of fine
Hell, bitch's got a beard bigger than mine, UGH


She's a last resort
An insults retort
She'd never be allowed in a 5 star resort
She's the Hambeast queen
And that sounds mean
But damn, you haven't seen this girl
She's a hurricane
A whirlwind of pain
She's made of drama, been through trauma circling the drain
She should wear a mask
But we're too polite to ask
Damn, pray you never see this girl
She's a Horror Story
Rated Extra Gory
She's freakin Edward Gein
The Gutterbitch

The Box Part Two

 So, there I was, banging around the stairs, stumbling and acting like a drunkard. People would assume as such were it not for my legitimate reason for banging around, that being the enormous box over my head. Finish this tomorrow before the next post, I will

And Now, A Buffons Rambling in the Form of Nonsensical Lyrics

 The following is a product of Corporal and Adevt under the influence of a case each of energy drinks, only having eaten sushi and twinkees, and a lack of sleep for about three days. This song does not have a title, nor does it have a beat, we just sort of wrote this down.

stoned without a need for weed
Drunk off my own philosophy
well fed on pretentious intention
My brain is gonna atrophy
Gotta find a outlet like a hooker to a john
My thoughts pound like a claypool bass line
One note leads to a thousand wrong,
but damned if it doesn't sound so fine
The blood on my knuckles shows my point,
I implode to write the next line
Fuck Convention
Fuck the detention
That slowly becomes my mind
Forgo the attention
Resist the temptation
Just go make your impact

Pokemon Ammolite: Coming Soon

With the dawn of Generation Five right on the horizon and my own pokemon world kicking around doing nothing, I decided to take up a little bit of a hobby. I'm going to be working on my own emulator game, Pokemon Ammolite Version. My friend Liam is gonna introduce me to someone who'll show me how to program it, I'm looking to put every generation of pokemon into it. For now, I'll just keep randomly giving more infrormation about the game and the NPC's within.

An Important Message about Nothing

I've been putting myself through a lot of grief and crap trying to keep to a schedule; this on monday, that on tuesday and the other thing on friday, etc... So, I finally have a schedule of posting that works for me; Zero schedule. From now on, I'm sporadically updating whatever pops into my head, once a day at least; A Zap Warner story, a song, a story about my life, anything. In fact, I'm starting a new series right now...

I've been engaged in a Pokemon roleplay game with my friend for quite some time. Unfortunately she's stopped playing for a while, so I'm left here with an entire homemade Pokemon region and nothing to do with it except post it slowly on my blog. So, I give you the first information about the characters of the Noclu Region of Pokemon, starting with the Elite Four

Flea:
An aspiring musician, Flea identified best with bug-type Pokemon because, in his own words, 'The sounds they make are killer background beats!' The first pokemon he ever caught was a Kricketot, which he trained and battle with at first for the sole purpose of improving its skills at making 'rad sounds.' He soon became more of an expert in insects than instruments, his atrocious guitar playing can attest to that (he often wonders aloud if playing Bass would be easier.) Flea is the youngest member of any regions Elite Four, at an age of 18. He took the position after defeating the previous champion in the region only one year earlier. Flea's party consists of an Aridos, a Scizor, a Pinsir, a Beedrill, and a Kricketune.

Jack Psycho:
Formerly a Pokemon Professor, Dr. Jack Psych  was the top researcher of psychic Pokemon. An experiment with a machine designed to allow people to mentally communicate with their Pokemon went awry, driving him insane. He left his profession as a highly respected member of the scientific comunity and wandered around the Kanto region with his Pokemon team, consisting of former test subjects and his own son's Abra. At the end of his one year walking journey, he had the most elite trained psychic team that the Pokemon League had ever seen, and crazily claimed to be able to speak their language. His team is made up of a Slowking, an Espeon, a Gallade, and his son's now fully evolved Alakazam.

General Surge:
Lt. Surge took some time off from being a gym leader, shut down the gym and gave his official title to the fighters in Saffaron, making saffaron the first city in any region to have two official gyms. He unretired from the Military to fight the 'War on Crime' against smaller teams like Rocket, Gotcha, and other various unnamed ones Eventually he worked his way up the ranks and became General Surge. He was then dispached undercover into the Noclu region after rumors of a socialist group uprising, aka Team Zerstorer. Eventually, once Zerstorer gained to power to buy off the regions heads, he was dismissed from the case. He decided to stay there until he could unofficially see the job through, and picked up work in the regions elite four, replacing Mr. Finstergeist who broke out of it to start Zerstorer and the noir city gym. Surge's team consists of his Raichu, a Magnetric, a Luxray and an Electrive.

Damien Pyro:
Grandson of the president of the Pokemon League, there is nobody more undeserving or pompous than Damien Pyro. Damien was born with a silver spoon in his mouth, knowing he would never have to work for anything. He lazed his way through the Pokemon Academy, barely scraping by on the generosity of his teachers. Nearly every Pokemon he owns was trained by someone else and simply given to him, as was everything else in his life. The only Pokemon he ever got on his own was a Vulpix, which he gave away until it evolved into a Ninetails so he didn't have to do any of the work. Upon graduation of the Pokemon Academy, he was given a job in the Noclu region in the Elite Four and a team of the four fully evolved starter pokemon; Charizard, Typhlosion, Blaziken and Infernape, in addition to his own Ninetails

The Corporal Unloads!..........A story.

Today, I got to teach my father how to torrent, you see, he is a giant fan of the British television show Top Gear, and recently found out that BBC America cuts the episodes in order to air them in an hour. Obviously pissed, he wanted to see the entire episodes, and I did not blame him. So he asked me yesterday to teach him to use torrents so he could get all the episodes he never had seen. Always willing to help people steal things, I gave him a quick tutorial on how torrents work, what seeds and peers are, and that if you ever want to get stuff done quick, leave the computer on at 3 a.m. because thats when Koreans are on, and hell, we know they are the ones who download everything. Now that he knows how torrents work, he constantly comes in here to look at how many weeks his torrent has left (very low amount of seeds...), and often screams for people to turn on their fucking computers. So that's that, taught a man to torrent, and the torrent has been unleashed. I fear my hard drive will be filled within the week.

The New Zap Warner

Will be up on Sunday, as well as sunday's post

Loop Doop Diddlerino

Wafflesauce

Story continues tomorrow, New Song Today

The title for this was inspired at the last minute by the name of a movie in Bevis and Butthead

Naked Chick Killer

Betsy wanted to be the prom queen
Ever since she was 13 it was her dream
At prom it was between Betsy and Tess
But Tess had bigger titties and a nicer dress

Tess was the prom queen, yes she was
So she did as any other prom queen does
She cried and squealed and she really enjoyed it
Betsy was so mad she could shit

 Betsy Took off her dress, didn't want it bloody
She wanted Tess to know that she wasn't her buddy
So she became the brand new thriller
BETSY IS A NAKED CHICK KILLER!!!

Skateboredom and Gingers on Poles: The Two Uses for Duct Tape

The day was yesterday and the place was the back of the Hartman Union Building, better known to all as the 'Hub.' I stood there, staring at the greatest thing I had seen all year; a square cardboard box, big enough to fit a human being inside. My thoughts went as follows.

Oh shit, thats a box
I need it, like right now
Oh god I need this god damned box

I either can not or will not tell you why I thought this, but either way, you all know that you would have thought the same god damned thing if you were five years old; after all, what is a college freshman if not a big five year old? So, I proceeded to lift the empty box over my head and carry it from the center of campus all the way to the other end, enduring the stares with a proud grin. It didn't matter that people laughed or whispered, I had something that they didn't; a box. Getting it through the doors was tricky, due to its size. I had to open each door all the way and run through with the box perfectly straight, or else it would bang against the edges and dent a little bit. The elevator was the most fun part, especially since I was sharing it with two other people. Due to the amount of people and lack of room, I was given no choice but to open the box and stand inside it. Outside, I was a legal adult standing in a box in an elevator like a moron. On the inside, however, I was a pirate in a ship that floated up into the clouds. I stopped being a pirate at the fourth floor and decided to walk the last flight of stairs with the box over my head, tripping and banging into walls, laughing all the way. From there it was more intense navigation through three more doors just to get it into my room, and a clever balancing act to keep it there with enough free space to move. The box would stay there for over five hours until night time, when I would grow bored with it. I took it downstairs in the stairs, once again with it over my head. Oh what people must have thought of me; laughing my ass off, box over my head and banging into walls, and getting stuck on the railing at least six times over the course of five floors.


To be continued tomorrow, I need some sleep

New Song: Solo Doesn't Know

This is to the tune of Scotty Doesn't Know, as sung by Darth Vader

Solo doesn't know
That Leah and me
Do it in my Tie Fighter Every sunday

Says she's in Dagobah
But she's here with me
Still she's on her knees and... 

Solo doesn't know, oh.
Han Solo doesn't know-oh.
So don't tell Solo!
Solo doesn't know,
Han Solo doesn't know.
SO DON'T TELL SOLO!

Leah says shes planet hopping,
But shes under me and I'm not stopping.

Cuz Solo doesn't know,
Han Solo doesn't know,
Solo doesn't know,
Han Solo doesn't know.
So don't tell Solo.
Han Solo doesn't knoooooow....
DON'T TELL SOLO!

I can't believe he's so trusting,
While I'm right behind you thrusting.

Leah's on the comunicator,
and she's trying not to scream out 'Vader'.
It's a three way call,
and he knows nothing.
NOTHING!!!

Solo doesn't know,
Han Solo doesn't know,
Solo doesn't know,
Don't tell Solo.
Cuz Solo doesn't know,
Han Solo doesn't knoooooow....
SO DON'T TELL SOLO!

We'll put on a show, everyone will go.
Solo doesn't know,
Han Solo doesn't know,
Solo doesn't knoooooow....

Corouscant , why not?
It's so cool when you're on top.
Planet Hoth, in the snow.
Laughing so hard, cuz...

Solo doesn't know,
Han Solo doesn't know.

I did her on his birthday.

Solo doesn't know,
Han Solo doesn't know,
Solo doesn't know,
Han Solo doesn't know,
Don't tell Solo.
Han Solo doesn't knoooooow....

Solo will know,
Solo has to know,
Han Solo's gotta know,
Gonna tell Solo,
Gonna tell him myself.

Solo has to know,
Han solo has to know,
Solo has to,
Solo has to,
Han Solo has to go!

Solo doesn't know,
(Don't tell Solo)
Han Solo doesn't know,
(Don't tell solo)
Han Solo doesn't know...
Solo's gotta go!

Meeting the Can-Hands

The following is a transcript from a recording of an interview of unbridled ApAthy. guitarist Corporal Boyardee, found in the possession of Charlie Conrad. Mr. Conrad is now in the intensive care unit at Sacred Heart Medical Center. 


Charlie: Hello.
Corporal: Oi, whoda fuck let you in here?
Charlie: Your agent, the guy with the top hat
Corporal: Eh, fuck it fine. 'dentials?
Charlie: No thank you, I ate before coming here
Corporal: Credentials, ya pusbag. who are ya
Charlie: Charlie Conrad, professional interviewer for The Excellent Velociraptor Explosion Extravaganza
Corporal: So, i 'sume its a innaview yur 'ere fo.
Charlie: Thats what your agent said
Corporal: Well, get rolling.
Charlie: We've been rolling, every thing I've said has been recorded as a question
Corporal: Well, i think it may help your publisher, and you current employment status if you actually ask me some
Charlie: Alright then; who are your major influences
Corporal:  Well, I had 2 different cats growing up, both were black, and complete assholes
Charlie: So you're saying your cats influenced your attitude on stage, interesting. What do you hope to achieve in this business?
Corporal: an excuse to not need to do actual work
Charlie: Thats why I'm an interviewer for a college kids blog... I'm hungry, you wanna fuck this and go get something to eat?
Corporal: what you got in mind
Charlie: WE WILL ASK THE QUESTIONS HERE, MEIN FRIEND!!
 it is at this point that the german secret police kick down the door and arrest Angus Boyardee for pooping on hitlers grave
Corporal: Wait a minute, when was i in Russia?
Charlie: He hires the ghost of Johnny Cochran as his attorney and is out the next day with a full apology
 It turns out if they lose their piece of shit, they must acquit, and we all know that lots of germans are corpophiles
Corporal: Chesta, you are about to meet the Can Hands
Charlie: Eh, just some canned Italian food


 It is ended with a left hook, instantly incapacitating Chester.

Derp

Merp