Meeting the Can-Hands

The following is a transcript from a recording of an interview of unbridled ApAthy. guitarist Corporal Boyardee, found in the possession of Charlie Conrad. Mr. Conrad is now in the intensive care unit at Sacred Heart Medical Center. 


Charlie: Hello.
Corporal: Oi, whoda fuck let you in here?
Charlie: Your agent, the guy with the top hat
Corporal: Eh, fuck it fine. 'dentials?
Charlie: No thank you, I ate before coming here
Corporal: Credentials, ya pusbag. who are ya
Charlie: Charlie Conrad, professional interviewer for The Excellent Velociraptor Explosion Extravaganza
Corporal: So, i 'sume its a innaview yur 'ere fo.
Charlie: Thats what your agent said
Corporal: Well, get rolling.
Charlie: We've been rolling, every thing I've said has been recorded as a question
Corporal: Well, i think it may help your publisher, and you current employment status if you actually ask me some
Charlie: Alright then; who are your major influences
Corporal:  Well, I had 2 different cats growing up, both were black, and complete assholes
Charlie: So you're saying your cats influenced your attitude on stage, interesting. What do you hope to achieve in this business?
Corporal: an excuse to not need to do actual work
Charlie: Thats why I'm an interviewer for a college kids blog... I'm hungry, you wanna fuck this and go get something to eat?
Corporal: what you got in mind
Charlie: WE WILL ASK THE QUESTIONS HERE, MEIN FRIEND!!
 it is at this point that the german secret police kick down the door and arrest Angus Boyardee for pooping on hitlers grave
Corporal: Wait a minute, when was i in Russia?
Charlie: He hires the ghost of Johnny Cochran as his attorney and is out the next day with a full apology
 It turns out if they lose their piece of shit, they must acquit, and we all know that lots of germans are corpophiles
Corporal: Chesta, you are about to meet the Can Hands
Charlie: Eh, just some canned Italian food


 It is ended with a left hook, instantly incapacitating Chester.