Charlie: The Magical Time Traveling Guido, Part One

Our story begins long ago, in a faraway time known as... 2005 or 2006, I don't know. It was the same year as my first trip to Anime Boston, some time after the last professional wrestling event I had ever preformed in, but those are both stories for another time. I had just attended a wrestling event at the promotion I used to work for, and me and my friends were enjoying the wares of the local convenience store. I was still associated with the wrestling promotion, and I had this gimmick called 'V for Vacation,' a costume that consisted of a Guy Fawkes mask and a bad Hawaiian shirt. I was seated on a bench outside the store, mask on the side of my head and a bag of snacks in hand, waiting for my friends to come out of the store. All of a sudden, out of the bar next door came a drunken asshole, and one that I might add was the most stereotypical Guido I had ever seen. For those who don't know, in this scenario, a Guido is not a racial slur. A stereotypical Guido is one of those people you see all the time invading Jersey Shore; The orange tans, the over hyped muscles, the cocky attitudes, hair that looks like their lack of brains is due from it exploding out through the top of their head so it could be used as gel, you know the types. This douche bag in a blue polo shirt walks up to me from out of the bar, sees my mask, and slaps it off my head. "Dude" he says "What the fuck are you doing wearing a mask outside a convenience store?" Now, at this point I as not the man you see before you today (see in a metaphorical sense, but still.) No my friends, I was a coward and a whimpering simp, a creature better known as a 'pussy.' In light of this, my response was "I'm just... I'm just part of the show..." The man continues pushing me around, all the while spewing phrases such as "You little punkass shit, you think you're a reservoir dog?" He eventually tells me to get on my feet, to which I slowly respond by rising, and he pushes my shoulder against the brick wall of the convenience store. "Now listen to me, you little shit," he's so close that you'd think he was coming on to me, but I the obvious stream of whiskey smell spewing from his mouth told me his actions were not entirely his fault; I was almost drunk listening to him talk, he had to be considered an Irish Embassy by now. "Now listen you shit.... Charlie owns this city, and Charlie doesn't like little shits running around in masks!" In my fear I didn't think, and just started looking around for Charlie. The man grabbed my face and turned my head, his forehead was almost touching mine, his hair was stabbing into my skin and nearly drawing blood. "Look at Charlie when he's talking to you, you little shit!" There I was, pressed against a wall by a man whose hair could be used as a weapon and whose breath could be served at a frat party, wearing a hawaiian shirt in late spring, all the while only wondering "WHERE THE HELL IS KYLE WITH HIS GOD DAMNED MONSTER ENERGY?!" I ignore his ranting to avoid pissing myself in fear; after all, for all I know this guy could have a gun or a knife hidden on him somewhere. Finally, nearly half an hour later, he says something coherent, unfortunately its "You're gonna stand here, in this spot, till one in the morning, and then Charlie's gonna let you go home, ok?" "Yeah, sure man, sure" "Good, thats what I like to hear, you don't fuck with Charlie in his city." So finally, he leaves me there, and just as he re-enters the bar in his drunken stupor, my friends come out of the convenience store. Immediately I was as far away from that spot as possible, pushing Kyle and Danielle, my friends, into Kyle's car and proceeded to rant at them for leaving me alone. At any rate, I was just glad to be out of that situation and as far away from 'Charlie' as possible, and hopefully never see his ugly face again...

To be continued, in tomorrow's post