2009 was one of the best years of my life; specifically because it contained my 18th birthday, the end of high school, and the beginning of college. However, there was one more specific occurrence that made my life quite different and much more enjoyable. It was the 20th of May when I discovered, on my daily bike ride around Manchester, the most glorious thing ever, that Manchester indeed is home to an adult novelty store. That weekend I stole away on another ride, down to the store known as 'Forbidden Fruits' and gazed upon the glory that was The Porn Store. There were shelves upon shelves upon shelves upon walls of glorious glowing porn! Softcore porn, hardcore porn, classy porn, fancy porn, Black porn, Asian porn, lesbian porn, even that porn that exists on the internet that nobody talks about, but we all know everyone's seen it once in their life, even you. Yeah that's right, don't lie about it, you've seen that video, but so has everyone else so that does not make you a pervert. Regardless, the point is they had porn, and lots of it. This made me smile, because I enjoy being in the presence of porn. Porn was not the only thing they sold, oh no, they had quite a selection of everything else under the sun related to adult enjoyment, and some things that have never and should never see the light of day. The items they stocked were so graphic, if I were to go into them in detail, I'm fairly certain it would cause General George Washington to rise from the dead, hunt me down, and tell me off just for speaking so dirty on the soil of his great nation. The paraphernalia and memorabilia however were not what impressed me the most. In all my years, in all the eating and shopping establishments I have ever visited, I have never had such helpful, pleasant and intelligent service as I did inside that porn store. The shopkeepers were smart, philosophical, and wonderful conversationalists. I enjoyed my experience so much that I purchased a bumper sticker and stuck around for over an hour.
I had to tell you that story so I could tell you this story.
It was the middle of summer, 2009, and me and my friends were bored out of our minds. There was myself, Andres "The Afroman" Reyes, and Kyle Hoak, driving around downtown Manchester at 1 in the afternoon with no specific plans. We swung by the Mall of New Hampshire for some fresh ideas and delicious food court Chinese Food. Once we were seated, I brought up the most fantastic idea I had ever come up with; A group trip to the Porn Store. Here's a little background on my friends, just to give you an idea of what a dumb proposal this was. Kyle is my 21 year old body building super goth friend who has never had a girlfriend and has sworn of porn forever, and Afro is my friend who I have hung out with for the longest time, going all the way back to juvenile humor and Sonic comic books back in sixth grade. I explained the situation eloquently and elaborately to the both of them, and when they continued to refuse I promised to stop being annoying for the rest of the day, to which they gladly accepted my proposal. On the way there, Kyle got nervous about it and asked if there were any weirdos or freaks that inhabited that place. I told him to put it out of his mind and simply enjoy the trip. When we arrived, we found that Afro had forgotten his ID at home, so he opted to wait outside while I took Kyle on the grand tour. Once again, kyle proposed that we do something else, to which I replied, in my exact words, "Relax, its just a porn store, I've never seen anything weird happen in there in my life." The second we walk through the door, we hear a shouting and ruckus from the back rooms for 'previewing' the DVDs. The manager is quickly pushing out two guys, each laughing harder than the other, apparently drunker than Boston on St. Patrick's Day when the Celtics are playing. I got a good look at only one of them, and immediately my heart dropped. This was a douche bag with an orange tans, over hyped muscles, a cocky attitude, and hair that looked like his lack of brains was due from it exploding out through the top of his head so it could be used as gel. It was a douche bag in a blue polo shirt, the same blue polo shirt and drunken slurring from that fateful night four or five years ago when I was seated outside the convenience store in a Hawaiian shirt and a Halloween mask. It was Charlie the drunken Guido, dressed the same and just as drunk, as if he had traveled through time and space just to fuck with me. Needless to say, both me and Kyle could only sit and watch amusement and shock as the hilarious scene unfolded. Charlie's friend was heading for the door, going right past us, when Charlie himself pushed past the owner and grabbed a whip off the wall. He shouted to his friend "Hey, watch what I can do!" and then proceeded to whip leather and novelty thong underwear that was hanging from the ceiling clear off the hangers. I held in my laughter as the manager grabbed him by his collar, wrenched the whip from his drunken hands, and herded him to the door, remarking "If you come in here again, I'll fucking mace you!!" Once the dust had settled and the workers began hanging the thongs, me and Kyle exchanged looks; mine was one of mirth and amusement while his was one of horror and shock. We perused the isles for a few minutes before Kyle broke down and declared himself uncomfortable. I didn't want him to feel like he was in a bad situation, so I agreed to leave early. When we got outside, we found a shocked and startled Afroman, giving me a very dirty look as if to say "WHAT THE HELL DID YOU BRING ME HERE FOR?!" Rather than shout that at me, he calmly explained what transpired when we were inside. A few minutes prior, a drunken idiot had stumbled out of the store and got all up in his face, shouting random things. He was pushed aside by a taller man in a blue polo shirt who pushed Afro and ordered him to assume the position. Afro freaked out, because lets look at his situation; he's standing outside of a pron store in the middle of the day in summer, this guy could be an undercover cop looking for suspicious characters, and it don't get more suspicious than a Puerto Rican young adult outside of a porn store in the middle of the day in summer. He complied with the guy and was quickly frisked for about a minute before the man turned him around and asked "Ok, wheres the stuff?!" Confused, Afroman only stuttered out "What... wha, What stuff, man?!" To which he says the man replied "The drugs, man!! Wheres my drugs!!" Before Afro could reply, the man laughed and walked past him, catching up to his friend just as me and Kyle stepped out of the store. Obviously, this man was Charlie, who had successfully ruined the sanctity of the porn store not only for me, but for first timers Afroman and Kyle as well.
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