I want your salvation
I sweep up the remaining pieces of shattered glass on the floor, each little shard reminding me of the last few hours. I look up at the wallpaper and see the hole in the wall where the chair was thrown into, our burnt dinner lays on the frying pan still smoldering, and the hair on the back of my neck stands from the autumn breeze blowing in from the destroyed window. The kitchen lays in ruins and I am left to pick up the mess my life has become, while my father lays upstairs sleeping through his drunken daze.
To tell you the truth, he isn't actually my father, more like my stepfather, but to me, he is just the reason I cry to sleep every night. And as for who I am, I am just Kristin. Just Kristin, that is how everyone sees me it seems. I tend to just blend into the background no matter where I am, at home, at school, anywhere I go no one really tends to notice my existence. Bland really seems to explain everything around here, being on the somewhat deserted outskirts of Portland where the biggest news is whether or not the fish shack got the lobsters in this week. Anyways, as long as I can remember, it's just been me and him since mom left in the middle of the night because she was sick of the abuse too.
As I finish putting the tarp up over the window, I start thinking of what happened earlier again, and decide to repress this memory with all the others. Once I am sure Dad is asleep I sneak into my room and go to sleep on a damp pillow again, holding my teddy bear.
You blow it all with, paranoia
You're so insecure you, self-destroyer
Around quarter to eleven I find myself in my assistant principal's office staring at the horribly tasteless inspirational posters above him. Believe in this, try for that, with knowledge, something or other is possible. I pull my head away to the droning noise coming from his mouth.
“Kristin, this is the third time in two weeks one of your teachers has said you were not in class, would you care to explain where you were?”
The fluorescent bulb above him twinkles and makes his bald spot flash. “Sir, I told you, I was in class, I even said 'here' when my name was called.”
“Yes, well, the thing is that I am forced to believe the teachers over you, unless you can prove you were in class, I am going to be forced to suspend you.”
I couldn't believe this! How was I supposed prove that, especially when I haven't said a word to another student in six years. I hear more droning and see a hall pass in front of me. I grab the pass and spend the next ten minutes roaming the halls until I get back to class.
Since the door is open when I get back there, no one even tilts their eyeballs my way when I walk into the room. I drift through the room slowly, leaving the fluorescent colored pass on the teachers desk and situate myself in my desk and relax listening to the white noise of the students I am surrounded by.
From my right, some absurdly-blonde coke bottle shaped senior, “So, didja like hear about the party Friday? Reggie is throwing it for like anyone, I am so so so so SO going...”
Behind me a couple rows back, this kid with hair down to his shoulders and clothes three sizes too big for him “Yeah, so, Dan Kennedy and me are gonna hang out behin' th' Waffle Shack later today and wait for José, the dishwasha to hook us up. Ya wan' in man?”
And suddenly, booming from the front of the room, the teacher looking in my direction bellows, “Kristin McCh-,” my ears perk up, “Kristin, will you respond?”
“Yes Sir, what is it?” Involuntarily, my eyes roll at him.
“Do you want to explain to me why you just walked into class late without a pass?”
My eyes glare at the teachers desk, focusing on the brightly colored piece of paper. “I didn't Sir.”
“Are you telling me that you didn't walk in late and not have a pass, Kristin?”
The teacher who has the circumference of a small planet, starts stumbling towards my desk. “No, I am not saying that,” By this time, he is standing over me, that pulsating, hairy gut pushing out from under his shirt and into my face.
“So, then what are you saying, Ms. Mc-,”
I cut him off suddenly. “I did walk in late but I left the pass on your desk. You happened to look at me as I did it, which seriously puts your competency into question, Sir.”
His face turns white, apparently I hit a sore note with him, and he rushes off to his desk to check the credibility of my statement. Once the final thunderous footstep reaches his desk, he sees his error and I hear him mutter for me to go back to the assistant principal's office.
Silent majority
Raised by the system
Now it's time to rise against them
Well, not two hours ago I was a member of Pennopscot High School, now though, I am expelled. For what? Well, for possibly threatening a teacher's career and integrity, along with not heeding to warnings of disciplinary action, which in English means that I insulted my teacher and didn't bother fighting back against the accusation. When the Principal called my stepfather to inform him, he replied with the ever-eloquent “Eh, wassyurpoint?” Peachy.
Now I find myself walking around the little district our town's citizens calls “Downtown”. Truthfully though, it's about 7 different fast food joints, a car dealership, and a gas station. This is cultural highlight of my town. My mind wanders back to what the kid in my class was talking about,
“Yeah, so, Dan Kennedy and me are gonna hang out behin' th' Waffle Shack later today and wait for José, the dishwasha to hook us up. Ya wan' in man?”
I decide to head towards the back of the Waffle Shack and see what José is hooking these fine people up with.
This is our decision
To live fast and die young
We've got the vision
Now let's have some fun
My knuckles wrap along the back door quietly and after a few moments of silence, I do it a lot louder. Soon, a flustered looking Hispanic man opens the door.
“Yeah, esé?”
“José?” As soon as I say this though, he walks away, the door slamming behind him. Wow, my first experience with any type of illegal activity and I am shut down right there. As I start to walk away, the door creaks open again, and loud footsteps turn me around once more.
“You the one who lookin' for José?” I look up at the man saying this, and immediately proceed to look back down at the molehill of a man. Standing at around a foot shorter than me, but twice as thick, I do not know what to make of him.
“Uh, yeah, at least I think so,” My voice stutters on almost every word, since I didn't really know what I would do past this point.
“C'mon blancó, I don't have all day,” he says this, but in some fit of irony pulls out a cigarette and lights it up.
I notice my foot twisting on the ground like some innocent little schoolgirl. “Well, I overheard from a kid at school that you are the person to come to to get ahold of certain items.”
“Girl, you ain't the type to buy these items. Go back to school, get an education, do what the kids buying from me are too dumb to do.”
“Got expelled today. No school left for me.”
“You can appeal that, you should know that. Anyways, you thought since you were out of school, you should just go ruin your life for the fun of it?
“Uhh, I jus-”
“Just nothing, how much money do you have? Tell me, how much money did you bring?
“Well, about ten bucks is all I had on me, is that enough?” Enough for what, I didn't know, but he sure did.
“Dahhhlen,” He said with the most horrible Southern accent, “ten bucks won't get you squat.”
“Oh, okay then,”
“Yeah, now head back to school and go appeal to get back in. Whadidjoo do anyways hun?” This man certainly knew what I should do more than I did, or anyone for that matter.
“I insulted a teachers integrity.”
“Really, when I was growing up in Zihuatanejo, I stabbed mine. Graduated in the top ten...”
“Think I should try that?” I have to admit, this guy was growing on me.
“No, I think you should go back to school. Then once you are back in, come back here and if you really want to screw up your life let me know. I can do that for you, Blanco,” He winked after that, not sure why, but it made me shiver slightly.
“Alright José, I'm taking you up on that offer. See you soon.” I had fallen for him. I was going to come back, not to ruin my life, but to see his. It would be everyday too. He cared about what happened to me. The first person to care, was the last person that needed to. As I walked away I kept trying to understand why he would care so much about that. My mind raced, ideas formed, my brain was on overdrive. What was truly to come about of all this?
I was dreaming of your love
I was lost in your arms' embrace
Our bodies coiled together
Oh, this ultimate betrayal
The heart will not resign
It ends like this, I came back, and José was gone. For good. That kid Dan, well apparently he came to buy something and José gave him the same lecture. Dan stabbed him. I went to the funeral, it was just me and the other guy who opened the door. I went back home after. Dad was asleep on the floor. I started cooking dinner. I have to remember to do my homework for school tomorrow.
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