Wind! Rain! Lightning! Cheeze Puffs!

Lo and there was I, bored and hunger stricken at the hour of ten in the evening. The whole day it had rained, oh how it had rained, and I was riding a testosterone rush from playing an online football game. I hungered not only for food, but for excitement, for adventure, for a meatball sub sandwich from the Circle K across the bridge. I knew what I had to do, I had to test both wills and nature, faith and fortune, and embark on a quest, a quest for snackage. First, I made test of the conditions by taking the elevator downstairs and setting foot outside. To my great shock, it was raining sideways. I don't mean that it was windy and the rain was coming down at a slant, oh no. I mean that the clouds, somewhere five miles away, had descended to the the earth and laid down, then proceeded to defy gravity by releasing the rain across the horizon. An ordinary man would have looked at it and cringed, a normal person would have decided against a walk across campus and down the bridge.... But I, Ace Danger Explosion Velociraptor Tophat, am NO ordinary man!! I went back up to my room and armored myself against the elements; my boots and rain outfit would do nicely, as well as one of my knit winter hats. It wasn't long before I was in the lobby of my dorm building, wading through a group of people that had gathered to watch the storm, or escape their buildings that had lost power. I think my best decision was where I did not wear a shirt, a shirt would have only gotten wet and made me cold. Adversely, my worst decision was probably bringing an umbrella, the damn thing just kept turning inside out on me every time the wind shifted direction. Regardless, there I was, making my way onward. It was raining daggers by the time I reached the center of campus, wind so fast that it closed my umbrella for me, and yet I pressed on, the delicious ends would justify the insane means. On the bridge I was alone, looking over the edge at the frozen river, which seemed much more warm and inviting than the current environment. On the other side I watched as the last bus of the night went by, back towards the campus, taunting me and telling me I would be making the trip back on foot as well. The Circle K was the Circle K, nothing particularly special besides the Milkshake Machine that makes god in a cup, also known as Cookies 'N Cream Milkshake. They do, however, carry the godliest snack food known to man, Chester Cheetah's Puffcorn, which is near impossible to find in regular conditions. The bag has the price right on the front, as most do, but this is the best pricing ever. Rather than just a number, it has a statement, 'Two Dollars Only,' which makes me believe that the head of their marketing department is an extremely Hasidic Rabi. Long story short, my provisions included Puffcorn, Munchos, Vitamin Water XXX, two Cadbury Creme Eggs, and a Chocolate Eclair Ice Cream. During the purchase, the lights flickered, quite forebodingly... TO BE CONTINUUUUUUUED!!

Next time on The Excellent Velociraptor Explosion Extravaganza:

Exclusive first look at lyrics to the song Scumbucket Beach Blowout